A few one-liners

We call our grandad "Spiderman". He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces was a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy

No Sex Tonight!

When girls don't play the game...
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart....

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


All right Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!

China Shits

I used to fear going to the toilet When travelling in China a few years back - At first I would hold it in until I could find a macdonalds or hotel that had a western toilet, his became impractical once I left Beijing and impossible once I entered the countryside.

anyway, my first experience of a real chinese toilet was in a university in Xian - A row of porcelian holes in floor with no doors to protect ur privacy. I was so scared that I ran out of the room leaving all my bags - someone chased after me to give them back.

Of course, I soon got horrendous food poisoning and became far less picky about where i placed my end. The problem was that as i was often the only white person within 50 square km I would frequently draw a crowd around me. The locals would find nothing more amusing than trying to engage me in conversation in public restrooms.

local - where are you from? What is ur name?
Me - fuck off im taking a shit!